At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So here I am, sexting at work.
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