I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
