Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
