Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
