theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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