dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
