I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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