I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
