Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
