he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
