I've blown a few things in my day
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize