Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize