I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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