Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
