FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
