you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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