I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
