I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
