I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
