i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
