yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
3pm strippers are depressing
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
