I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
