If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
