Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
