The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
