He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
