... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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