My hair reeks of homosexuality.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Come on in and take your pants off
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