I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
