There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
i think my cat just said my name.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
