You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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