What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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