do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
