pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
