What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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