all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
