Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
