can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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