my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
