ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
