sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
