i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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