my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just threw up on my dentist
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
