I didn't shave. On purpose
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
