Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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