she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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