Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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