i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
