Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
