...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The feeling are messing with the penis
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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