All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize