Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
