Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
did you just send me my own nude
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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