i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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