i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
