he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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