can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
this beer tastes like vomit already
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
