moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
