Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
