at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
