According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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