I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
