Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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