I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
