Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
should my penis look like a turkey
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
