that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
