Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
